Romance and Marriage
| Copyright © 2008 Sherry S. Pence, SSP Life Lessons All Rights Reserved |
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Woman's Guide to
Valentine's Day Mis-Communication
It was always amazing to me that my husband would never
get me flowers for this special day. He was always so
thoughtful when we dated-bringing me roses to a movie date
and leaving little notes on my windshield so I would see them
when I got off from work. Then we got married and it seemed
that things started to change. So one day I asked him why
don't you ever buy me flowers anymore? His reply shocked
me but it made perfect sense- he said I remember you telling
me that you don't see what the big deal is about getting
flowers because they just die anyway. WOW! I remembered
that conversation, someone had sent a huge bouquet of
roses to a friend of mine and they were beautiful-but certainly
expensive. I just didn't see the point in the extravagance:
$50.00 in roses, but I didn't mean it wouldn't be nice to get
them sometime. I just didn't need fifty dollars worth. I hadn't
told him different. It was silly for me to be upset with him
when he was just going by what I had said. Communication is
not always an easy thing to accomplish when you are
married, but it can be done. Not long after that conversation
we sat down and decided to discover each other's real needs
in the relationship. We took 15 minutes and wrote down 10
things we each needed to feel content and happy in the
relationship. It was a simple activity but our answers were
surprising.
As married couples we need to realize that we are each
different and have different needs in a relationship. Some
women want flowers, or physical aspects of romance, some
want their husband to reassure them with compliments. What
do you need or want, and have you told your husband? How
else will he know? Take some time to find out what he needs
too. His answers may surprise you.
It was always amazing to me that my husband would never
get me flowers for this special day. He was always so
thoughtful when we dated-bringing me roses to a movie date
and leaving little notes on my windshield so I would see them
when I got off from work. Then we got married and it seemed
that things started to change. So one day I asked him why
don't you ever buy me flowers anymore? His reply shocked
me but it made perfect sense- he said I remember you telling
me that you don't see what the big deal is about getting
flowers because they just die anyway. WOW! I remembered
that conversation, someone had sent a huge bouquet of
roses to a friend of mine and they were beautiful-but certainly
expensive. I just didn't see the point in the extravagance:
$50.00 in roses, but I didn't mean it wouldn't be nice to get
them sometime. I just didn't need fifty dollars worth. I hadn't
told him different. It was silly for me to be upset with him
when he was just going by what I had said. Communication is
not always an easy thing to accomplish when you are
married, but it can be done. Not long after that conversation
we sat down and decided to discover each other's real needs
in the relationship. We took 15 minutes and wrote down 10
things we each needed to feel content and happy in the
relationship. It was a simple activity but our answers were
surprising.
As married couples we need to realize that we are each
different and have different needs in a relationship. Some
women want flowers, or physical aspects of romance, some
want their husband to reassure them with compliments. What
do you need or want, and have you told your husband? How
else will he know? Take some time to find out what he needs
too. His answers may surprise you.
Fifteen Minutes: Discovering Your Mate's Needs
It will really help if you let your husband know ahead of time that you want to do this activity.
You don't have to drag him kicking and screaming to the table for a 30 minute lecture on your
needs. Let him know that you want to know him and his wants and needs better. Some will be
glad to oblige, others may need to be enticed. Let him know that by participating he may gain
some serious insight into not only your soul, but that these are keys to a better ( or more
frequent) physical part of your relationship. (If he starts to meet your needs outside the
bedroom you may be more inclined to meet his inside the bedroom!!) So go ahead and let him
know that on Friday night or whenever, you want him to sit down with you and write down 10
things he needs to be happy or content in the relationship.
Once you sit down to do this make sure you will have no distractions for at least 15-20 minutes.
Get some paper and pens and start writing. Make sure that you both write atleast one or two
that the other person meets regularly. For example if your husband is very good at giving
regular compliments-then write that down and tell him he does a good job- meeting that need.
It is amazing how eager people are to participate when they realize they are going to get some
praise for something. Once you are both finished writing, read them to each other. There
should be no criticizing of the other person's needs just listen to them and there should be no
fussing about your own-just write them down and read them out loud. Make sure not to take
too long to do this or your husband may not believe you the next time you say "It will only take a
few minutes". If you both want to discuss it more you can but I reccomend setting another time
to talk about them in more depth. This is a good beginning to opening up the lines of real
communication.
It will really help if you let your husband know ahead of time that you want to do this activity.
You don't have to drag him kicking and screaming to the table for a 30 minute lecture on your
needs. Let him know that you want to know him and his wants and needs better. Some will be
glad to oblige, others may need to be enticed. Let him know that by participating he may gain
some serious insight into not only your soul, but that these are keys to a better ( or more
frequent) physical part of your relationship. (If he starts to meet your needs outside the
bedroom you may be more inclined to meet his inside the bedroom!!) So go ahead and let him
know that on Friday night or whenever, you want him to sit down with you and write down 10
things he needs to be happy or content in the relationship.
Once you sit down to do this make sure you will have no distractions for at least 15-20 minutes.
Get some paper and pens and start writing. Make sure that you both write atleast one or two
that the other person meets regularly. For example if your husband is very good at giving
regular compliments-then write that down and tell him he does a good job- meeting that need.
It is amazing how eager people are to participate when they realize they are going to get some
praise for something. Once you are both finished writing, read them to each other. There
should be no criticizing of the other person's needs just listen to them and there should be no
fussing about your own-just write them down and read them out loud. Make sure not to take
too long to do this or your husband may not believe you the next time you say "It will only take a
few minutes". If you both want to discuss it more you can but I reccomend setting another time
to talk about them in more depth. This is a good beginning to opening up the lines of real
communication.